Thoughts

Do you ever wish you could change one little moment of the past? One thing you did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say that changed the entire course of life as you currently know it? In the moment, you didn’t realize what you were doing, but now that you look back on it, you can see everything clearly and you regret it so much. You realize that the small things in life really do matter, and that they can really change the larger things in life later on.

I guess I’m going through these feelings right now. I had multiple insights today on life and friendship and miracles and the love of Heavenly Father. I am truly blessed, but sometimes I forget how blessed I really am. I take things for granted a lot. I assume things a lot. I make up stories in my head of how things are or should be or were…and, usually, they’re not true at all. I guess you can say I’m human, but I have a hard time considering this a good enough excuse. Sure, we’re all human and we all make mistakes, but part of life is learning from mistakes and being better. So I ask myself, am I becoming a better person?

I’ve learned a lot of life’s lessons this past year. I hope I’m actually applying them to my life, but I sometimes wonder. I never realized how important forgiveness is until I had to ask for it multiple times, and live it myself. The power of Atonement and the reality of the Savior’s love for me have never been as real as they have this past year. I learned what it means to be a true friend (although I don't always put it into practice like I should). I learned what it means to fully trust in the Lord and put His will first, although I’m far from perfect at doing this. I learned about faith, hope, charity, that prayer is sometimes the only way to survive heartache and sorrow, and that Heavenly Father often answers those prayers through others.

I can’t change the past, although sometimes I wish I could. All I can do is start living now the way I want to live so that when today becomes the past, I don’t regret it. I can be better now and keep trying to be better. I can forgive, and ask for forgiveness one more time. I can forget myself and start thinking more of others. I’ll remember that even during the cloudiest of days, the sun is still out, and when I fall, at least I’m falling forward. And I won’t take the people who mean the most to me for granted, because without them, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

This afternoon, someone asked me what little miracle happened for me today. Well, there are more miracles than I can record, but I want him and others to know that I do see them, even when they’re hard to find: walking a mile with my mom this morning, a neighbor who let me know about a job, a true friend’s love and concern, a warm shower, shrimp in my salad for lunch, sunshine in Oregon, two little girls who I only see twice a week, but who help put life into perspective, starting a new book…

Life is good, even when it doesn’t feel good.

Happiness is a choice.

And I choose happiness.